finally! something positive

i think i've finally decided what to do with my life after this may, which is good. but that's not why i'm finally posting again.

i made chili! first time ever this week, three batches only. funny thing is, i haven't ever eaten chili in my life either.

long story, but i need some diversions, so here goes:

after a week where i had a complete nervous collapse (i'm not dramatizing this, either), i had been tentatively looking for things to set my sights on, to keep myself occupied; you know, little goals i could accomplish.

enter weekly grocery shopping. walking up to the store, i saw a huge yellow and red sign "calling all cooks! enter the first-annual souper bowl!" so i did.

i had never eaten chili before because i absolutely despise beans. so my original idea was a beanless, beer-based chili. that's right, beer. stout beer, to be precise. and barbecue sauce and grape jelly. there are those that would be put off by grape jelly, but trust me, it's perfect.

of course, then 9 out of 10 people i talked to ("what do you think of when you think of chili?") said beans, tomatoes, meat and spices. so, in go the beans.

whatever. it worked! true, there were only two entrants in the chili division, but i still beat his nerdy twitchy white butt!

so, before the recipe becomes the property of the grocery store, i will share it here:

2 lbs. lean ground beef
6 stripts thick cut bacon, cooked and crumbled
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 cans (14.5 oz each) diced fire-roasted tomatoes, drained
2 cans (4 oz each) chopped green chiles, drained
1 (12 oz) bottle Guinness or other stout beer
1/3 cup barbecue sauce
2/3 cup grape jelly
1 can (15 oz) red beans, drained
1 yellow onion, chopped
1 red pepper, chopped
1 large tomato, chopped
2 heaping tablespoons hot chili powder
1 teaspoons red pepper flakes

1. in large soup pot, combine tomatoes, chiles, beer, bbq sauce and jelly. let cook for 20-30 minutes on medium heat, stirring occasionally, unti alcohol evaporates.
2. meanwhile, brown beef along with the garlic and bacon in a large skillet. drain of excess fat when done.
3. add beef/bacon/garlic to the soup pot along with all the extra ingredients. cook for 20 minutes on medium heat, then reduce heat, cover, and cook for an additional 40 minutes. this is also good made the night before and re-heated in the crock pot.
4. garnish with shredded italian blend (parmesan, mozzarella, asiago, romano) cheese and serve with crostini.

Crostini:
1 loaf italian or french bread, sliced thin
oilive oil
garlic salt

arrange bread slices in a single layer in a foil-lined cookie pan. brush with olive oil and sprinkle with garlic salt. bake at 350 for 8-10 minutes or run under the broiler for about 5 minutes, until golden and crispy.

on to the final round! wish me luck!

happy effing new year

my last day of freedom.
tomorrow the purgatory begins anew.
the nightmares have returned (at least i have a sister in that department) and i try not to dwell on the few hours of freedom i have left.
it's pretty sad when the only reason you can come up with to stay at your job is so you can pay the bills.
music? if it never gets practiced or performed properly, who cares?
smarts? hell, like i'm teaching these kids anything. i hear the stupidest things come out of their mouths and i see them do the most moronic things. it makes me fear society, and bringing children into the world.
respect? not from the kids, not from the parents, not from the administrators, not from half the faculty. am i really that undeserving of respect?
at this point i would prefer the company of inanimate objects.
i'm ready to give up my expanded curriculum which i always held so much faith in, and just give in to what they want, which also depresses me. let's see... endless fight to make them 'eat their vegetables'? depressing. giving up? also depressing.
i try not to think about it.
i try to think about the books and projects and bikes i have waiting at home.
i try to write every day, in a notebook just for me. it was one of my new year's resolutions and i even bought a "daily reader" book with prompts to help me out.
the crafty christmas went over well, though i didn't make umpteen thread-crochet-covered ornaments. i really hope everyone liked their gifts!
i still have many unfinished projects at home, including a sweatervest for the man, a few quilted project... and my brother and my brother-in-law announced they're getting married this summer too, so i have two afghans to make. no way i can make 200 invitations plus two aghans by this summer. not gonna happen. which means i'm demoted to buying the invitations.
at least we have a cake picked out! excited about that.

now to fend off the despair for a little longer. i don't think anyone really understands the crushing, debilitating fear and anxiety and depression that accompany my job.
i'm not sure how much longer i can do it.