happy effing new year

my last day of freedom.
tomorrow the purgatory begins anew.
the nightmares have returned (at least i have a sister in that department) and i try not to dwell on the few hours of freedom i have left.
it's pretty sad when the only reason you can come up with to stay at your job is so you can pay the bills.
music? if it never gets practiced or performed properly, who cares?
smarts? hell, like i'm teaching these kids anything. i hear the stupidest things come out of their mouths and i see them do the most moronic things. it makes me fear society, and bringing children into the world.
respect? not from the kids, not from the parents, not from the administrators, not from half the faculty. am i really that undeserving of respect?
at this point i would prefer the company of inanimate objects.
i'm ready to give up my expanded curriculum which i always held so much faith in, and just give in to what they want, which also depresses me. let's see... endless fight to make them 'eat their vegetables'? depressing. giving up? also depressing.
i try not to think about it.
i try to think about the books and projects and bikes i have waiting at home.
i try to write every day, in a notebook just for me. it was one of my new year's resolutions and i even bought a "daily reader" book with prompts to help me out.
the crafty christmas went over well, though i didn't make umpteen thread-crochet-covered ornaments. i really hope everyone liked their gifts!
i still have many unfinished projects at home, including a sweatervest for the man, a few quilted project... and my brother and my brother-in-law announced they're getting married this summer too, so i have two afghans to make. no way i can make 200 invitations plus two aghans by this summer. not gonna happen. which means i'm demoted to buying the invitations.
at least we have a cake picked out! excited about that.

now to fend off the despair for a little longer. i don't think anyone really understands the crushing, debilitating fear and anxiety and depression that accompany my job.
i'm not sure how much longer i can do it.